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That One Time I Almost Died

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I mean, you may have lived next to these people your entire life, but according to crime dramas and mystery shows and urban legends and the news, you shouldn’t trust roughly 100% of your neighbors. After all, Bill next door might be friendly on the surface, but come nightfall, he might be a monster who sees kids at his doorstep on Halloween and decide it’s a good idea to give them mini toothbrushes instead of candy.

Luckily for me, the neighborhood I grew up in was populated by an overwhelming number of police officers and firefighters, who get called in and just leave king-sized candy bars on their porch with a hand-written note that says “Please help yourselves. Happy Halloween!”

The unsung heroes of childhood.

There were three or four of these porches every Halloween. You know how these porches look. The porch light is on, and there is a bowl of candy on a chair. Sometimes, there’s a scare in the candy bowl, such as an automated plastic hand that moves and scares the living daylight out of you. Sometimes, there are just skeletons posed next to it, or cobwebs dangling from the door. There almost always is something there.

One Halloween, I was approaching one of these unattended candy bowls, feeling super excited because I think I see full-size Snickers bars glowing under the warm porch light. I grab one, feeling happy at the weight of the candy bar dropping into my plastic pumpkin-shaped bucket.

I turn around and HOLY CRAP WHAT THE HELL.

There’s a huge mound of grass towering over me. A massive ape-like figure, dressed in what appears to be someone’s front garden. The figure stands there for a full second, then slinks back to the side of the porch, out of sight and back into whatever hellhole it crawled out of.

Not even a word.

In retrospect, that was the best scare of my life, and I’d like to thank that man for orchestrating such terror on the one night it is socially acceptable to dress in a ghillie suit, squat out next to a bush in your front yard, and frighten little kids.

You, too, can inflict such trauma onto your neighborhood children with a Ghillie Suit. LA Police Gear has Condor Ghillie Suits, but quantities are extremely limited! If you need more Camo Apparel, LA Police Gear has your back. Why be a boring run-of-the-mill monster when you can be awesome?